After such fall, I didn't expect that such a wonderful thing would happen.

I went to the mall, to entertain myself. I played at the game center as usual... I thought it would be just like a normal blah day. But to my surprise, I get to talk with new people. They were also a regular on that game center, playing the same game I play (drummania/guitarfreaks). I was surprised at the same time happy. It's like God is sending a message for me... like a sign of new doors opening. I'm happy I get to know and meet new people.

The next thing...

I met up with my best friend, Patt as well yesterday. I didn't expect as well that she'll be giving me a rabbit. She did suggest I should try new things like taking care of a pet, but I didn't expect she would buy one for me. T___T  It's a white furry rabbit with cool eyes. I named him Wabin. Wabin holds a place in my heart, so I thought I should give him that name. :3

Yesterday was one of the coolest day. I have learned that, no matter how much you have crashed and burn... there is always a bright tomorrow and people that can make you smile until to your hearts content.



My love~ Wabin~~ <333

-ellie '10

    Reaching my limit.

I hope people can detach their brains from their head so it can cool off and have fresh air. But no... I guess you can sleep through it or go through different therapies etc.

I can feel the nerves on my brain reacting, and its giving me a headache. I cant concentrate when I'm being in that emotional and confusing state. It's annoying. It's driving me nuts and rage all the way. Be weird and unreasonable.

I always see this vision...

I have traveled a long road, with scars and scratches from the trials I have passed from my journey. At the end of the road, I saw a man standing. As he noticed me, he stopped and stared at me.

As I saw him, my eyes shed tears and fell down. He ran towards me, took me in his arms and embraced me. 

I cried more in happiness and relief that our paths have already crossed. Too much emotions are stirred inside my heart that I can't help but to shout as I sob and cry.

He gently wiped my tears with his warm hands as he hushed me and telling me that everything is alright with a shaky voice.

I reached out to him as I placed my hand to his cheeks and smiled. 

"At last, I get to see you."

He smiled, his eyes were sparkling almost teary. I felt that he was trying to be strong for me and was holding back. 

My energy was all drained because of the journey I took. I stared at him for a little longer. I felt so much happiness and contentment that I met him. But deep inside, there's this stabbing pain.

My hand dropped to the ground. My eyes went blank, and closed slowly. My body felt cold and numb, unable to move. A mixture of sadness and happiness stirred in my heart. Wanting to embrace him tightly for the first and last time.

As my heart, body, mind and soul drain away, I heard him cry and call out my name...and how much he loves me...


- ellie '10

  Darn D8

 I feel all this urge to do many things all at once. Like finishing tons of artworks, making short comics, building up my website, do some artsy accessories and plushies but darn, = o = my greatest rival is laziness LOL!

Oh well, but I'm doing it one at a time. I kind of miss the times when I can do loads of coloring for a day, but those were the times that I had nothing else to do. College life drains time and energy LOL!

Now I prefer idling around, wasting my time than do some artworks. XDDD

FAITO!!!

Lol. at least I'm feeling okay now. My past blogs are so sad XD haha!

- ellie

 I know I shouldn't be too mean to myself. 

I know I shouldn't feel so hurt, sad and depressed.

But I can't help it.

He asked me if we could meet up. I agreed. I know I shouldn't have agreed, because I promised myself not to look back, but I thought to myself, "what's wrong with that? maybe we could be good friends." I tried to think positive even though I might be placing myself in danger. A trap that is hard to get out from. 

I hate this loneliness that is inside me. This weakness... this vulnerability that always gets into me, making me like this. I hate the fact that I am needy that I can't take care of myself for too long. But I'm only a human right?

*sigh* 

And my feeling was right, I felt that I've been taken in for a ride. He cancelled at the last minute. I shouldn't be sad about it actually, I should be more thankful, like my ass has been saved again. BUT NO. I feel so hurt at the same time annoyed, with him a little, but more of with myself, because I am so stupid!!

Inside myself I'm clinging on and being hopeful. For all those years that I've been able to stand on my own, I still have that little feeling of hope or being needy. I hate that feeling, that feeling of being needy! It's like I've been looking forward to it deep inside me, and I've been turned down again. 

Rejection is a big thing for me...I can stand on my own again, but not like before... after all the times that I've been rejected and tricked. I've been trying my best to improve myself but....its pisses me off. I don't want to dwell more in it....

*sigh*

u___u;; this is just too much. I hate myself. I'm stupid.

 Recently...

 No... often times, I feel so weird. Sad and depressed. I always tried to live happily because that how it is, I cant be frowning forever. But, It's hard. It's like all the sadness and pain are bottled up, and when you get the chance to somehow open up, it spills uncontrollably making no sense at all.

Often times, I think that I'm reaching my limit. I cant take care of myself anymore...but I'm still trying.

I've always wished that there would be someone who will listen and take care of me. It's so hard being rejected so many times, I cant find the good in me.

I want to feel important and special. It hurts.

I want to share my inner most thoughts to someone... and maybe I would be better. I dont know how long I could hold on and be strong for myself. Sometimes I'm getting tired of smiling and moving and would prefer to just sleep until he comes for me and wake me up, and then when I see him, I would be so happy... and cry. Sounds like a fantasy huh?

Sometimes I feel delusional and weird. Sometimes I lack the sense of time and reality. Maybe I hanged around too much in my own world, because I think it was safe and much better. It's my home, whenever I fail and humiliated I just go back to that world...and when I try to step to reality... I get hurt, and since I'm pathetic, I go back.

But...I always do my best, which was never enough. It's very frustrating.

Now things are starting to get heavy. I cant cry now... maybe later...

weird huh?

...

- ellie'10

    Almost a year had past and I haven't updated this journal, even after re-visiting it last year ~__~ I'm really not just that active when it comes to online blog things. I'm more active with my own diary. lol.

   But!!! Now!! I'll try my best to be more active. I thought I wanted to try this as a tool of venting out stuffs. :) So yeah.

   I want to post more but... I'm kind of sleepy and my head feels woozy. x__x

   I dont want to have fluuuu... or any sickness...

   That's all for now ^^ see ya soon!

   Faito!!!

  - ellie '10


 

cake~ yummy~ * q * i want one~~ guuu...

   And look! I just ..just..just... resurrected my account after eons! XD

   I hope I can maintain this LJ account of mine >.<

   I need to edits edits edits XD 


  That's all! ^^

Another journal I got registered to... nothing much to say ^w^ just that I hope i can maintain it. Since it looks so nice.

Can't post much tho... got to sleep! I still have school tomorrow and do some homeworks. Oh yes! I am growing lazy XD

That's all~! ^w^